Feeling Like a Stranger or Outlier in Church?

Have you ever been told that “You are the problem” in church? Many people have felt out of place or have heard such things. Why is this a common occurrence these days?

I will say, I have been associated with some people that you wonder about. They caused me to wonder, “Why are you here?” or “What are you trying to accomplish with that?” 

So many awkward and unhealthy scenarios are taking place in churches that I find it difficult to understand why these places are not seeing more people exit for lack of compassion and Scriptural content being displayed and/or shared.

Some church cultures emphasize high standards of behavior. Whose standards are we being measured against? If they are the Bible’s Standard, I can see the struggle, because we all faulter to keep that level of holiness leading us. However, if it’s man’s standards we are working to live by, please pump the brakes on that one. That smells a lot like legalism. This can create an environment where members, visitors and frequent flyers feel they must meet unreachable requirements, leading to anxiety, depression, and a sense of failure.

Is there “shame” in the house? Many environments (people in them) do things that produce open doors for past trauma or negative experiences to rear their heads. These situations can cause individuals to internalize messages that they are "rebellious" or "too broken" to belong, causing them to withdraw further. 

One of the things that we “believers” should be on the lookout for are the hypocrisy and "Us vs. Them" mentality. When a community focuses on anyone who questions traditions or has different life experiences, it is probable they may be treated as a threat or a nuisance. Seeing leaders or other members act disingenuously while judging and condemning others can also make individuals feel alienated. These are but a few things that bring about feelings and thoughts of “Am I in the right place?”

Some of us religious folk (churches & congregations) foster a narrow-minded view where "outliers" or those with different perspectives are treated as flawed. This environment discourages vulnerability, which is the very thing needed for true community and healing. 

There are a few things worse than a person looking down their nose at another, but that is certainly a not-so-nice one. These types of actions are NOT TO BE named among those who declare their love for the Lord Yeshua and His Father.

Scripture confirms that everyone is a "problem" in the sense that all have sinned (Romans 3:23).

In a healthy church model, the community is not for the "virtuous" but for sinners. Healing is intended to happen through vulnerable relationships rather than isolated perfection. 

Feeling "stupid" about having questions in church is a common experience, but it often stems from cultural pressures rather than a lack of intelligence or faith. Understanding why this happens can help us all separate our personal value from these institutional dynamics. 

Some church environments push the toxic teaching that having questions means you lack faith. This "spiritual gaslighting" frames curiosity as a character flaw rather than a natural thinking process to gain a deeper understanding of the Works of GOD’s Truth.

Many church cultures praise "childlike faith" that accepts everything without question. When this is the standard, those who need to understand "why" or "how" can feel spiritually inferior.

Blind acceptance is foolishness. Questions are good. The leadership providing Biblical answers and responses is even better.

If a leader or member feels uncomfortable because they cannot answer a tough question, they may react with defensiveness or anger. In that situation, he or she may attempt to make you feel like the problem is often a way to avoid exposing their own shallow theology or lack of study. Try again but ask for the local pastor.

Some communities prioritize control and compliance over comprehension. In these settings, honest inquiry is seen as a threat to authority or tradition. I have certainly been there.

Once more, sincere curiosity is valuable to both the inquirer and the one receiving the question. The reality is, questions are healthy. They are certainly evidence of engaged faith. Asking questions is not a sign of weak faith; it is evidence of a mind that is actively working out their faith muscles to gain a richer belief structure.

Are you aware that the Bible is full of people asking hard questions. The individual who asked this question in an outcry, "why" to GOD (Psalm 13:1-2), and Jesus Himself often used questions to help others grow.

If your faith and mine are built by examining truth, our trust in the Word of GOD will often be more resilient than based on "gullibility," which accepts information without processing it. Working through questions creates strong believers who can defend what they believe. 

If the local assembly leader is spiritually healthy, he will invite reflection and he will be very comfortable saying "I don't know".

If questioning is treated as rebellion, it may be a sign of an unhealthy church culture. Move on to another place to grow and likewise heal. Know this… You can be confident in GOD while still being uncertain about complex Biblical details.

Every person needs to feel spiritually, emotionally and mentally protected. Search for "safe" spaces.

Don’t go looking for flaws. You will always find them! They may greet you at the door. 

However, be open to learn, give and love. While working through these things, take your Bible, paper and pen/pencil with you and go looking to learn and grow. If the congregation you worship in is not inviting and you feel like an outcast, find another place to serve.  GOD has a place for YOU!