What About Marital Renewal After Damaged Trust and Lost Hope?
After it has been damaged, marriage can be renewed. Trust and lost hope must be rebuilt though. This is not so much about fixing, than it is about rebuilding, reweaving, and reconsecrating. Here is that word again… “Covenant”. It must be about the willingness for restoration, not just emotional repair.
What would a vinedresser do with a damaged vine?
A few of the things the keeper of the vine would do is to see the damage, inspect the damage and nurture it. That special attention to cultivation requires some detailed work like pruning.
In marriage, the fracture is often noticeable. We try to ignore what has damage and continue to work around it. If we see the wound, we should be able to name it and call it out.
In keeping and working a vineyard, sometimes “a vine can often split at the base, with tendrils reaching in opposite directions.” The vine begins as one, planted in shared soil, nourished by the same source. Over time, tendrils may stretch in opposite directions. This isn’t necessarily division, but it can be seen as expansion, growth, or adaptation to light and terrain.
A marriage must see what is going on in their vineyard and this stretching as the possibility and opportunity for maturity in communication. Listening and recognition are required here. This newness can be seen as expansion, growth, or adaptation to different lighting (growth) in the spouse and new terrain (challenges) that each one is experiencing.
Trust is given and gained. It grows slowly but can be severed quickly. Working to renew begins by seeing the broken area(s) and naming them—not hiding anything. Like pruning, it feels painful but prepares for new growth.
COMMUNICATING: Ask questions like, (1) “Where did we stop reaching toward each other (have we stopped caring)? (2) What was severed (what did we cut off or stop doing that worked)?”
Rekindling hope that is flickering will resemble acts of renewal. Undoubtedly, it will require gentleness, patience, and both of you working to protect your marital investment of what remains.
REMINDER: Yeshua’s obedience didn’t restore with force, it came through suffering love; and He prayed A LOT!
The Hebrew word zachar means “to remember,” but also “to call to importance.” It’s not just mental recall—it’s relational reawakening. In marriage, to “remember” your spouse is very much like a re-attune to their heart, their impact on and in your life and their worth to the Lord and you.
In Biblical culture, sharing salt and bread was a sign of covenant. Even after betrayal, the table of re-covenanting could be reset.
Renewal isn’t always a return to what was broken, it’s a renewed covenant, forged in humility, kindness, pity for the hurt that exists and mercy for what damage was caused previously.
Looking to renew and rebuild? Be intentional to create a shared orchard where you both walk through the vineyard and look for grapes that are not getting enough light or may have disease or bugs. Cut back what needs to be trimmed. Break off things or cut off the area(s) of selfishness and pride that need to be burned in the fire.
Treat that portion of the vine with special attention with words and actions of commitment, forgiveness, and boundaries.