Fighting Fairly (How much fighting is too much?)
The question in the title of the blog is, I think, I good one. “How much fighting is too much in a relationship?” Do you and your spouse fight a lot? Is it frequenting enough to where you are considering making it one of your "love languages"?
When you’re married, it’s pretty much a guarantee that you’re going to disagree with your spouse at some point—that’s just life. It usually starts with having an opinion, or DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT.
However, when you find yourself bickering more than usual, it’s natural to wonder, “How much fighting is too much?” ...and "Are we in trouble?"
TRANSLATION: Some couples argue more than others, but that doesn't mean they're doomed.
The occasional argument is actually a good thing. Fighting means you care.
When fighting goes away completely, sometimes one or both people have checked out.
To figure out if your fights are healthy (or if they're raising red flags in your relationship) ask yourself these questions to check the 'temperature' of the Emotional Intelligence' inside your marriage.
Are we open enough to discuss the particular struggle that is causing our rift?
Is the hubby prepared to lead that open talk?
Maintaining emotional control when you perceive or feel that your mate is not paying attention, can be a tuffy. What do you do? Both of you should not have the freedom to sulk at the same time. Someone has to be the grown-up. Adulthood calls.
Any disagreement with your spouse can be a nerve-wracking experience and can make you BOTH very anxious. Tread lightly, slowly and gently, kindly and mercifully, but always truthfully.
Things can escalate and get out of control very quickly. This is the reason why bringing into the room the Emotional Intelligence I mentioned earlier. E.I. assists the committed with maintaining emotional control. This is not ONLY important, but may save your relationship, should things begin to become unhinged.
Reducing the anxiety is kinda an important maneuver to keep things civilized. Always try to talk things through, before they become a major issue. I can say this with confidence and without blinking...NOT something that is fool-proof.
What if you are a loud talker? Does raising your voice freak out the other? Does it solve anything? [try whispering, it calms the mood]
Is one of you pretty good at giving the "could shoulder"? It gets cold at night. Hugs are meant to be shared.
When you begin to yell, it is very tempting for the other person to mirror your behavior, and you are in a shouting match before you know it.
When one of you shuts the other out, where does the communication go to survive?
The number of marital years does matter, because that would usually determine the maturity (like grey hair and wisdom), AND would be a solid indicator of the willingness you've had to stick it out over the years.
If things got out of control, take a short break to calm down and breathe, so that you can CONTINUE your conversation LATER.
Interruptions are BAD!
Your goal is to resolve the issue at hand and not just release your anger.
Both sides need to be heard and understood (if things are to be resolved positively).
REMINDER NOTE: There is always a "know-it-all" amidst the yelling fest, and one of us will usually presume that we know what our mates are going to say, and that THEIR position is flawed.
THIS IS WHY, taking time to listen to them feels like a waste of time. THIS TYPE of approach will get NOT ONE couple ANYWHERE.
Allowing your partner to express his or her feelings will help release tension and will IMPROVE chances of a SUCCESSFUL resolution.
REMINDER NOTE: Be respectful since it’s easy to get all too comfortable with your spouse, which may sometimes mean treating them with less respect and expecting them to let things slide. It is even more true when emotions run high and neither of you are in a proper mood for constructive problem-solving.
QUESTION for THOUGHT: Do you really believe that avoiding conflict, makes the relationship more stable?
What do u all think?
Unfortunately, things don’t always work this way. A majority of the time, the longer we avoid talking about things that bother us, the higher the likelihood that ONE DAY one of us will 'lose' composure (emotional control).
Facing our problems early and before they become major issues is much more effective and less painful than allowing them to brew for a long time. As if the current issue wasn’t enough, we tend to bring up the past to completely paralyze "the opponent" and make them feel worthless.
Stay with the Issue at Hand.
Attack one issue at a time.
If you are serious about resolving the issue successfully, avoid mentioning past mistakes.
If you constantly bring up the past or other (current) issues, chances are the argument will never get resolved. It will be covered by layers of other past and present issues that probably weren’t resolved for the same reason.
REMINDER NOTE: If you find that you’re arguing a lot, it’s bothering you, and the two of you can't seem to get it right, it may be time to see outside input for help. Often a clean pair of eyes can help you see where your communication patterns are going wrong.
Keep in mind, the occasional argument is actually a good thing.
“Fighting means you care about the relationship.” I have read, “When fighting goes away completely, sometimes one or both people have checked out.”
Have you ever heard the term, "Train Wreck"?
If your arguments often DEvolve into personal attacks (think: name-calling, criticizing the core of who someone is or how they look), it’s not healthy for your relationship.
“Don’t let arguments scare you, just pay attention to the QUALITY of them.”
The FOSTERING HEALTHY COMMUNITIES nonprofit is willing to assist. Twice per year, we offer the “Art of Marriage” couples retreat in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
INFORMATION: More information can be obtained on this website. You can also call or E-mail for more details.
How well you and your spouse make up is also important. Are you able to resolve fights or do you have lingering issues that you shelve each time to keep the peace?
Couples who are able to transition through conflict into harmony end up having productive fights, which leads to greater intimacy.