Parental Guilt for “Messing Up Their Kids”

“Maybe there was some damage there.”

I have never heard of any man ever declaring the possibility of what this writing is about.

However, I have considered my personal involvement with the hurt and pain of my children.

Our sin and poor choices (meant to help) have ways of attaching or lingering around our extended family. It is rare that a male would audibly admit this, but I talk to the LORD about this more often that you, the reader would believe.

Today I spoke with an ATT Internet Support Agent and worked through the discussion of price hikes and ways to save money.  …of course, she went through the solicitation efforts to get me to switch providers and pay in additional ways.

She reached out to another area for additional support, for me, we entered a discussion about me working from home, and she asked, “What I did…from home”. I shared, “Our non-profit helps the hurting.” I proceeded to give her a small list of the types of hurt, after she asked what some of them were.  She thought “it was a good thing”. I then asked her for her ideas on “What I could research and write about?” What she offered was rather HEAVY. She offered (2) topics.

The second was, “How to let go of your grown children?” I told her, “That question would cause me some research time, but we all have this question, in some way or another.”

However, the doozy was the initial question. That led us into some neck deep revealing waters …at that moment, she and were still waiting for the additional support to come through.  I am nonetheless reeling from that conversation because it knocked me off-balance.

“How do we get past the guilt for messing up our kids? Is it possible some damage could have been done. Maybe not.”

“What do I do differently now?”

She then added all the things she did to add pressure to her son. “He was extraordinary in many things, so she kept pushing and pushing”, until he just went on a mental vacation, after graduation.

During a phone call with him, she heard some information from him that derailed her emotionally.

He said, “You were not a bad mom, but you were not a good mom either” He also told her, “The encouragement you gave was not encouragement at all.” “It was pressure! I know you did the best you knew how to.”

Hearing those things, I asked more questions, and she answered them all.  …Yes, she and I are still waiting for the additional support to come through. Are you getting the picture here.  GOD’s Spirit is involved with this encounter. I mentioned that and she agreed that this was “a call that was set-up, for us.”

The phone call continued. Somewhat reluctant to offer her our “ministry” site to see the ways we write to encourage folks, because I knew she was at work.  She was willing to take the information and declared “She will be on there later tonight and planned to bookmark it.”

I am curious what I will find and what the LORD’s Spirit will show me. Maybe what I find, and share will help someone else. 

What I found in Scripture concerning guilt is informative. Mainly, guilt is used in the form of a noun. The appropriate background area it is employed is "offense," or "trespass."

The cool thing is that the same word is used when speaking about the offering that was given to the temple (unto the LORD) for the "guilt offering". This was a specific type of sacrifice described in Leviticus, brought when someone had committed a transgression that required restitution or compensation. Let’s say, this would be an interesting find for some of you/us, since we have long thought and believed, “We have done nothing wrong, when it concerns raising our children. Were we HORRIBLE? That may be a discussion you have with the Spirit of Truth.

NOTE: The word Asham expresses not just “the feeling of guilt, but the objective state of having committed an offense or being at fault.”

NOTE: Also, in the Biblical setting, asham can and does refer to the compensation or restitution required for the offense (Numbers 5:7-8). We can insert murder and theft right here.

When a person has been wronged, and the offender has not taken responsibility, a guilt offering is still required. The view is closely tied to accountability for wrongdoing, whether against GOD or another person. What a parent does to impact the life of a child may fall into this category. If he or she feels weird concerning a choice made or action taken at some point in their child’s life, it is likely it is from a form of guilt feelings.

Do I feel guilt or regret?

They are not quite the same. Regret says, “I wish I had done differently.” It is often about the consequences of actions or inactions, not always about moral failure.

FACT: They are negative emotions

FACT: They can lead to sorrow and remorse

FACT: Both can often lead to change

FACT: Both are addressed by the Scriptures

NOTE: Confession, repentance, and acceptance of God’s forgiveness are key to moving beyond these emotions.

Regret is an emotional response (sorrow or disappointment) to something that has happened or that we have done. It can also be a sense of disappointment over what has not happened, such as regretting missed opportunities or wasted years.

Additional information concerning shame and sin (unto death) vs. guilt and regret. can be locate in Ezekiel 18. It instructs us that shame and guilt are not inherited. In historical Biblical writings and in current times, it’s common to feel weighed down by the mistakes or failures of previous generations. I know I have felt some heaviness over my years.

Shame has NO relation to guilt. Shame says, “I am bad.” Shame is related to disgrace, humiliation and embarrassment, and it is tied to one’s perception of their own worth.

You know I enjoy context and contrast, so here is the contrast of shame to guilt and regret. “It can be a painful feeling related to being unworthy, inadequate, or basically damaged.”

NOTE: Shame is often the emotional aftermath of guilt, but it can also arise from situations where no actual wrongdoing occurred (Genesis 3 & Psalm 34:5)

The Scriptures record this in Ezekiel 18 as well: “Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed and get a new heart and a new spirit… for I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord GOD. So repent and live!” (Ezekiel 18:31-32)

This means that no matter what your past may be, you can choose a new direction. Shame does not have the final word. Our GOD offers hope, renewal, and the possibility of a new beginning.