What Stuff Destroys Relationships?
Being human means, “you can love and hate at the same time. Love and hate can make us behave in ways in which we are not fully in control.”
Love and hate sound like opposites; however, the two emotions are quite closely connected in the brain. It has been suggested that coldness is actually the opposite of love and can kill any relationship faster than hatred.
Rage, on the other hand, is linked to the areas in the brain that anticipate “getting something for my choices.” No, I am not that smart. I found this information and decided to introduce it here. I do, however, have this infatuation with the brain. …and Biblically, the ‘brain’ is the heart of the man.
Brain research has shown that stimulating reward circuits results in sensations of pleasure. Science says, “When you withdraw the stimulation, the pleasurable sensations stop and there is an aggressive response.”
One of the times when the frustration-aggression response kicks in is when the drive to love is interrupted. I just thought of a conversation I had with a buddy concerning wanting to make love with his wife and she was not interested. ...the emotions that causes is tough to understand, unless, you have been on the receiving end of such an exchange, as I also have. Is it the same thing? You tell me.
The brain turns from love to hate (or anger).
More science… The part of the cerebral cortex that has to do with reasoning and judgment is deactivated when we think of love. That means feelings of love are free to flow unencumbered. On the other hand, hate does not deactivate as much of the cerebral cortex, so we are free to judge and criticize, and in turn feeding the hatred.
Look what I found that could help here. “The way the brain functions explains how we can simultaneously love and hate. When love is not returned, the frustration-aggression response kicks in to protect us from the unbearable pain of not being loved. It provides energy and resources to take the action we need to disentangle ourselves from the relationship, the person and our own feelings.” Yeah… That makes sense to me.
It also kinda explains how we can hate a person you love when the love is reciprocated. We can hate the other, even when we have a thriving relationship. That is sorta weird.
I believe the number one reason we hate in relationships is due to disappointment. It could be a simple issue, such as disappointment that our partners didn't pick up dinner at a time when we are ‘starving’. It could be an overall disappointment that a loved one is not going to fill all our needs, fill the emptiness inside and help us live happily ever after. Yep. I just said that!
Another common reason we hate someone we love is that we are afraid of our emotions and are unable to express them directly. We were taught that words hurt ourselves and others. Therefore, we must deny our feelings and stuff them deep inside. Those stored feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment turn into resentment, bitterness and rage. From there, it is a short step to hate because the pain inside becomes too great.
What if you are that person who does not know what to do with emotions, when they start to take over and “rage” at us? It feels like a steamroller is making its way through your chest and mind.
How do we express hate in our relationships? We all like to think that we may get angry in relationships, but that we do not hate those we love and care about. We believe that we only hate those who have wronged us or deserve it.
I tend to think that when we are struggling to find the hope and courage to face what is needed to resolve the situation, our reactions tend to be incomplete and will eventually damage or hinder what we are working so feverishly to accomplish. We all need to know that we can face whatever the reaction is going to be when we talk about our feelings.