Nothing Hurts a Marriage Like Silently Growing Apart
The silent growth apart in a marriage can and will often be a sneaky destroyer. It is a gradual decline towards the emotional abyss.
Where did the emotional connection go?
The signs of a silent divorce include a lack of communication, unresolved conflicts, and a general sense of demonstrative isolation. What does a person do to address these issues?
A marriage may share deep roots in its history, but the present and future matter just as much. History gives a foundation to build from, if it is a good one. Does your marriage share values and a covenantal hope? If you are a tree and the branches of the marriage tree grow in opposite directions without tending to them, the canopy no longer touches. In other words, the roots of your marriage and the branches of your home together must be pruned, watered and fed. The marital tree must be kept.
Many things on the earth and in life will experience erosion. We first learned this term in science, pertaining to dirt. When rain and water come, over time the water will wash away the soil. In time, it will erode and the all-important roots will become uncovered. The lack of dirt will not provide enough coverage for the root system’s life extension to dive in to extract the water and nutrients from the soil. Use this same imagery to the soil that holds your home’s foundation in place. Likewise, we can use this picture in the reference to a riverbank— the change is gradual. You don’t notice the soil slipping away until the foundation feels unstable.
In a troubled marriage, silence itself becomes the language. The things that built and supported the relationship in its budding stages should likewise sustain and assist with building it as well. Don’t stop doing what works.
The unspoken distance is there.
You can tell this is true when the meals previously eaten together are less frequently shared. Those conversations that once were, have now been reduced and overlooked. That agreed upon and once sought after intimacy has not been replaced by routine or absence.
Silence isn’t neutral—it’s communicative. It’s saying something. It utters something without words, and what it says is often heavier than speech. Quietness is not just the absence of words; it’s the presence of distance. How effective is avoidance? VERY! When the couple is not around one another and/or they are there, but invisible, that loud silence becomes a language of dodging, where both partners “speak” by withholding themselves, which is what the other person so richly wants and needs. Over time, emotional ignoring communicates indifference more loudly than anger ever could. Indifference is a very destructive position. It speaks, lack or interest and lack of concern for the relationship and the other person.
Have you ever her of the term “aphorism”? I had no idea that it was a ‘thing’ until earlier this month. Aphorism phrases are littered throughout the Scriptures, and we have read them frequently. I have a few that seem to fit nicely with this specific term “silence”.
“There is a time to be silent and a time to speak” (Ecclesiastes 3:7): In a troubled marriage, silence stretches beyond its rightful usage and term.
Psalm 32:3: “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away.” Silence symbolizes inner decay.
Amos 5:13: “Therefore the prudent keep quiet in such times, for the times are evil.” Silence can be a sign of breakdown in the marital land.
Looking at Yeshua’s Silence before Pilate, silence can be powerful, but in marriage, it often becomes a refusal to engage, a distortion of covenant dialogue.
What is the benefit for employing silence for an extended period? I understand not wanting to say something useful, but that should last for a short period in the effort to calm down and allow for cooler heads to prevail, if that is needed. Why? Prolonged silence is not effective if you are trying to build and feed your marriage. It carries no nourishment, if inappropriately used.
Hey! I found a few symbols of silence:
Silence becomes the dominant “voice,” filling the space where intimacy once lived.
Each unspoken word builds a wall, until the couple inhabits separate emotional rooms.
Silence halts growth: the relationship feels suspended, like winter without spring.
I have or there is “nothing left to say” is a phrase that cloaks despair in resignation.
Your marriage is restorable, if you both want to.